As moms, we’re often so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs that our own dreams quietly slide to the bottom of the priority list. But what if I told you that the secret to achieving your goals isn’t about trying harder—it’s about understanding yourself better?

When I discovered The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, it completely changed how I approached my goals. Suddenly, I realized why I could show up for others consistently, but still struggle to keep promises I made to myself. The lightbulb moment? I’m an Obliger—and once I understood that, everything shifted.

In this episode, I’m giving you a quick and helpful overview of The Four Tendencies and how knowing your tendency can be the missing piece in achieving your goals, especially in the messy middle of motherhood.

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What Are the Four Tendencies?

Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework is all about how we respond to expectations—both external (like a deadline from a boss) and internal (like a personal goal to start running or drink more water). She breaks us down into four personality types:

1. Upholders – Meet both outer and inner expectations
   
2. Questioners – Resist outer expectations, but meet inner ones
   
3. Obligers – Meet outer expectations, but struggle with inner ones
   
4. Rebels – Resist both outer and inner expectations
   

Understanding which one you are can help you create the right systems and support to actually follow through—aka achieving your goals in a way that finally feels doable.

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Upholders: The Self-Starters

Upholders are the goal-getters who thrive on structure. They do what others expect of them and what they expect from themselves. These folks love checklists, follow through on commitments, and even prioritize self-care without guilt. Think: Hermione Granger.

Strengths: Reliable, routine-loving, self-motivated
Challenges: Can struggle to delegate or understand why others don’t “just do it”

If you’re an Upholder, achieving your goals might already come naturally. But be mindful not to burn out or expect others to operate the same way you do.

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Questioners: The Researchers

Questioners meet inner expectations but must make sense of external ones before acting. They’ll research, analyze, and dig until they feel confident in their choice. They love logic and efficiency.

Strengths: Insightful, systems-minded, thorough
Challenges: Can fall into “analysis paralysis” and dislike being questioned

If you’re a Questioner, achieving your goals hinges on one thing: your WHY. Once you believe in a goal and understand its value, you’ll be unstoppable.

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Rebels: The Rule-Breakers

Rebels resist all expectations—especially when they’re told what to do. But that doesn’t mean they’re lazy. In fact, they often get things done in bold, creative ways.

Strengths: Independent, authentic, passionate
Challenges: Struggle with routines, accountability, and even their own plans

If you’re a Rebel, achieving your goals means tapping into your sense of identity and freedom. Ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?” Then act from that place.

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Obligers: The People-Pleasers (Hi, That’s Me!)

Obligers are the most common tendency, making up 41% of the population. They crush it when someone else is counting on them—but fall flat when trying to meet their own inner expectations.

Strengths: Loyal, dependable, generous
Challenges: Prone to burnout, resentment, and what Gretchen Rubin calls “Obliger Rebellion”

I’m an Obliger through and through. For years, I wanted to clean out our garage. It sat on my to-do list for FIVE YEARS. When I tried to do it on my own, it never happened. But the moment I brought in an organizer and made it a real appointment? DONE.

That’s the power of outer accountability. And for Obligers like me, it’s often the secret ingredient to achieving your goals.

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Why This Matters (Especially for Moms)

Motherhood often demands that we put others first. If you’re an Obliger, this can become a trap where everyone’s needs come before your own—and your dreams never leave the mental back burner.

But when you know your tendency, you can stop blaming yourself and start building strategies that actually work.

👉 If you’re an Obliger, create external accountability. Hire a coach. Join a group. Tell a friend.
👉 If you’re a Questioner, dig into the why. Research until it clicks.
👉 If you’re a Rebel, lean into freedom and identity. Choose goals that align with who you are.
👉 If you’re an Upholder, honor your routines—but give others grace.

Achieving your goals doesn’t have to be a constant uphill battle. When you align with your natural tendencies, you make it easier to follow through.

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What to Do Next

1. Take the free quiz to find out your tendency: gretchenrubin.com/quiz
   
2. Grab the book – The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
   
3. Set up the right support based on your type
   
4. Schedule a free call with me if you’re an Obliger and need that extra layer of support: jessicaericksoncoaching.com/free-call
   

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Final Thoughts

You are not broken. You’re not lazy. You’re not doomed to stay stuck. You just haven’t been working with your personality—yet.

Whether you’re tired of setting the same goals every January or you’ve got a big dream sitting in the back of your mind, the key to achieving your goals might be simpler than you think: Know your tendency and work with it.

You’ve got what it takes. Let’s take your dream from to-do to DONE.